The 10 types of customer

Working in retail, you get to know the different ways in which people act when they are parting with money. And there are definitely stereotypes. With experience in a call centre, sometimes you get to know these types by just their voice alone within the first 10 seconds of the call. Just remember, at some point we ALL are the customer. Which one are you?

 1. The Old Guy
This is one of the best types of customer. The Old Guy is always up for a chat, and if they weren't getting a new product out of this transaction, they'd probably consider giving you their money anyway, just for spending a bit of time listening to their needs and interests. Depending on what kind of industry you work in, the Old Guy can also be female.


2. The Crazy One
This one is not everyone's cup of tea, but still one of my favourites because no matter what they want, they always make you laugh. They need the best camera to shoot fairies. They want a drink from the back of the fridge because the front ones are cursed. They get black and white candles for the shrine of their recently deceased racoon. And whatever they need, they'll always tell you the story behind it.

3. Mr Grumpy Gills
There's no pleasing this one. The intensity of their complaint has varying degrees, from a mild "You're wrong, I'm going elsewhere" to a full on 45 minute rant comprising of mostly "YOU %#3&@ ". The best thing to do with this one is let them rant. Whatever their problem is, it's probably not your fault. 

4. The Confused
The confused needs help. And it's usually pointless to give them options because they'll spend another 6 weeks considering them. Tell them exactly what they need, and if its the right choice they'll be eternally grateful.

5. The Trading Standard Official
Also known as "The Lawyer", "The Police Officer", "The One with Retail PhD" or any other profession/skill that they can mysteriously drum up at the most convenient of times. They always know how to do business, and always know that you're definitely doing it wrong and your company is going to be shut down any minute.


6. The Middle Aged Woman
When it comes to parting with money, us women know what we want and what we expect. Unfortunately I believe we reach a point in our lives where we confuse this with just wanting to yell at some poor innocent retail worker for no real reason. I don't think I've reached this stage in my life yet, but I'm sure I will.

7. The Could-I-Speak-To-A-Man-Who-Knows-What-They're-Talking-About
No.  
Punches customer in face

8. The Stingy One
These ones will make you feel like it's your fault that you can't offer a discount because they're already buying the item for below cost price, with free accessories, and it comes with a personal servant to massage your feet and tend to your every need on request. You're not sure if you hate this customer or want to be like them for all the money that they must be saving in life. Quick tip: if you ARE this customer, the friendlier you are, the more we like to give you discount. Don't be solely responsible for the bankruptcy of the company. And don't be a dick.

9. The Sleaze
I know these exist but don't think I've had one of these yet on the phone. I obviously don't have a sexy enough voice.

10. The Regular
Every good business has the regular. A welcome face, or sometimes very unwelcome, but at least you know what you're in for with them. They know all the sales assistants by name, and usually have their favourite. 

These are the customers I've come into contact with, and from my experience I've come to learn that the best customers will always be kids. So they may take 20 minutes to count their money, and keep changing their mind about what they want - but they don't complain, they're usually more polite, they don't commit fraud or demand discounts until you're throwing in your own jacket just to please them, and if they do then they're probably the ones that are going to get somewhere in life. I'm also not saying it's bad to complain. As a consumer I have been treated badly by businesses before, and felt I was right to complain. But unfortunately we live in a culture where everyone wants everything handed to them on a silver platter, and everyone thinks they're right. It is our hard earned cash we're handing over after all. Feel free to add your own experiences or more types of customer in the comments.

The next post in this series of probably...2... will be the 10 types of manager. Because I've got the balls ;)